Kids and Suicide: How Parents Should Talk About It

It can be difficult to approach the topic of suicide with your children when you suspect they are depressed or deeply upset. You might be afraid if you bring it up, it will make your child more likely to attempt suicide. That’s not true. In fact, talking is a key factor in protecting your child.

Here is how to have these tough conversations.

Create a Safe Space

Start by providing opportunities for you and your child to connect. Check-ins at the dinner table, going on walks or doing an activity together can show your teen that you are available.

If they choose to talk, give them your undivided attention. Put your phone on silent mode, turn off the television and reassure your child that they are important.

Your words matter. When you talk about suicide, avoid using terms like “committed,” “completed,” “failed” or “succeeded.” “Died,” “death by suicide” and “suicide attempt” are more neutral terms. Also, avoid judgmental terms that imply weakness, lack of willpower or selfishness or that imply a death was deserved.

Modeling behavior is important. If you’re vulnerable, it helps with connection. Talk about your experiences and what you did to overcome them. Your goal is to show them that they are not alone in experiencing suffering and that help is available. It also illustrates that depression and suicidal ideations should not be kept secret.

What You Can Say and Do

Many teens will initiate an indirect conversation with parents about what is troubling them. They might talk about something they read or heard, what a friend is going through or something they are experiencing. It could even be an unrelated subject.

Be encouraging. Face them, nod and use natural breaks in the conversation to empathize with what you hear.

Focus more on asking than telling. Ask for details about what your child is feeling, what they have been thinking about, how it’s been affecting their life, what helps them feel better and what they would like to change. Throughout the conversation, repeat the emotions you are hearing them express and avoid interrupting.

Regulate your reactions. If you respond in shock, annoyance, frustration or anger, your child could shut down the conversation.

If your child doesn’t bring up suicide, you could make a general statement like, “Sometimes people can feel such overwhelming sadness and pain that they feel there is no way out. Have you ever experienced feelings like this?”

If the answer is no, remind your child that if they ever feel that way or have thoughts of wanting to hurt themselves, it is important that they speak to you or another trusted adult so they can get help.

If they say yes, respond first with empathy. Then, say: “Sometimes when people feel that way, they have thoughts of wanting to hurt themselves or end their lives. Have you ever felt that way?” If they say “yes” to that, calmly ask for more details. Thank your child for trusting you with this information. Emphasize that these symptoms are treatable, and it is important to get help. Don’t belittle, dismiss or challenge them. You also shouldn’t lecture them on the value of life.

In discussing suicide, the main difference between younger and older children is that older kids are familiar with mental health issues and suicide from school and their healthcare providers. For younger teens, you might need to explain how to recognize depression and suicidal ideation.

If You Sense Imminent Danger

If your child expresses thoughts about wanting to harm themselves, express your concern in a nonjudgmental way: “I am very sorry that you have been having thoughts like this. It sounds like you have been really suffering. I want to help you and get you the support you need.”

Try to get an immediate appointment with a healthcare provider. You also can call 988, which is a suicide and crisis hotline.

If your child is actively feeling like they are going to hurt themselves or you think you cannot keep them safe, call 911, stay with your child and remove any objects that can be used to inflict harm, such as knives, sharp objects, guns and medications.

If your child is not expressing an immediate desire to act on their thoughts and you are able to remove dangerous objects, see if you can create a safety plan with your child while waiting to see a provider. It will include sections to:

• Identify thoughts and situations that lead to suicidal thoughts
• List strategies your teen can use when depressed to feel better
• List safe people or activities that can get their mind off difficult thoughts and feelings
• Provide emergency contacts to use if having those thoughts

Preventing Suicide

Prevention starts early. As the American Academy of Pediatrics continues to teach about trauma-informed care, we have learned that focusing on strengthening the family and developing safe and nurturing relationships protects children against mental health conditions and suicidal ideation.

Talking about suicide does not increase the risk. Depression and suicidal ideation can be treated, and talking about them can encourage our teens and others to talk about them.